When words are not enough

Encouraging, Faith, Mental health, Motherhood

I don’t always know what to say

At times I can’t put into words how I feel. There’s no amount of explaining I could do to express myself fully. I’m a mom, so you can imagine I use words daily…every waking second it seems. Yet, there are moments where I find myself speechless. 

Maybe it’s the rollercoaster of life or the intensity of motherhood—maybe none of the above and it’s simply my overthinking that throws me through loops time and time again. It’s not easy to admit that I tend to panic during difficult moments. I worry and create scenarios in my head that I fear might happen. Thoughts about life, family, friendships, and parenting are always wrapped up in a chaotic imaginary bow.

My mind has a lot on it but I can’t speak a word

Sometimes I have no words because I’m trying to figure out how to stop the scenarios in my brain from happening. I know as God peeks at my thoughts he probably thinks to himself, “I didn’t give her creativity for this.” I’ve honestly asked him what did he expect when he gave me such a wonderful imagination? I doubt it was to create make-believe tragedies but here I am.  

Image by Steven Arenas

There have been moments where even with a million things going on in my mind, I have nothing to say. God has found me on quite a few occasions fumbling over what to utter. When that happens, I think about Romans 8:26, KJV: “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”


Even when all I can do is ugly cry, I’m still heard. It brings me such comfort to know that God had thought about us in such detail that he knew there’d be points in our lives when words are not enough. He knew that we’d be faced with situations that would knock the wind out of us and bring us to our knees with barely the ability to breathe. He was prepared. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we are at a loss for words. How humbling!

When you have no words, God can still hear you. He knows your heart. Don’t get caught up worrying about not being able to pray, go before God anyway.  Even if you have the words but you can’t fully express them, God knows your heart. Psalm 44:21 Would not God find this out? For He knows the secrets of the heart.

Whether it’s under a moment of pressure or an ongoing struggle, I pray you find peace in knowing that God is fully aware of your needs even when you don’t say a thing. As always, hugs and love!

 

 

Listening ears on: God told me to visit my ex in-laws.

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Being human is hard. Add being a Christian and you have a whole list of rules and regulations you must follow in order to truly be a follower of Christ. Usually, especially now, doing the right thing and being sweet and kind has come easily. Even things that would trigger me, just goes over my head and I say a prayer in my mind, grin, and keep it moving. Last week however, I was thrown a curve ball that I really just wanted to dodge.

My ex told me that his parents were going to be cooking a big meal and asked if the kids and I would come over. Without hesitation, I said NO. I mean, why would I? Besides the fact that I’d have to drive over 45 minutes, I’d have to come in close contact with the family of the man I abruptly left in the middle of the night, with a week’s worth of clothing, and my kids. It wasn’t exactly a peaceful breakup and I found myself on the hated end of the stick. His father had a lot to say about me in the past and would quickly jump on social media in defense of his son, whenever I was the topic of a falsified rant.

I insisted that I had no business going there and I prayed to God that some crazy occurrence would happen so it would be set in stone that I couldn’t go. Be careful what you pray for because four days later a tropical storm came through AND a tornado happened 9 minutes away from us. We were obviously spared and I thought that was God’s answer to my prayers– no honestly! You want to know something? It wasn’t.

My ex told me he would be getting out of work early so he could take us if I didn’t feel like driving. I told him that was great because that meant he could take the kids and leave me out of the equation. He seemed hurt and told me not to be that way. They weren’t my family and I remember how dysfunctional it was when all of us lived together. I did not want to go so I purposely ignored all my ex’s text after that.

You know, God works in very BLUNT ways and as I headed to the bathroom I heard, “Go” in a vey soft voice. Now, don’t call the luny bin on me but I heard it clearly. I remember saying, “yeah right, God. You would never want me to go there.” I then saw a vision of me walking into their home and a voice said, “Go, so they can see all I’ve done for you. Go to be a light. ” Guys, I laughed so hard and said NO! Then I tried to convince myself that I was the one creating the instructions that I had but when I said the word “Go” in my mind it sounded different from what I first heard. This was not something I wanted to be obedient to. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable and I didn’t want to break bread with my ex’s family.

When my ex arrived, I grabbed my purse and roughly told him to hurry up and let’s go. He was shocked but he got up from the chair quickly and we headed to me car. Once we were all buckled and ready to go, my ex thanked me for going. I heard a voice say, “I told you.” I rolled my eyes and replied ok God, of course in my head because I didn’t want to sound crazy. 😂

The drive down was actually enjoyable and I didn’t find myself ready to jump out the car or complain to the heavens. But when we got to his parents house I found myself feeling uncomfortable and nervous. My girls rushed inside and I bought myself time by getting my son out of his carseat. Surprisingly, I was greeted genuinely and asked if I wanted some food and my ex made me a plate. I can’t even lie, for a second I thought they were trying to poison me so I asked my kids if they wanted some food and when no one screamed out “No”, I knew that the food wasn’t unsafe to eat.

I stayed for maybe an hour and a half and I watched as my kids enthusiastically ran around and played with the side of their family they hadn’t seen for so long. I felt relieved. My kids were so happy and I felt good. I talked with everyone and at no point did I want to run for the door. When I left I almost felt sad. His dad thanked me for coming and said we could do something for Christmas if I had no plans.

Before last Sunday, I had so much anger towards my ex father in-law. I was upset because he knew what I went through with his son and he completely turned against me when I left. I was mad and hurt and really wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Visiting him was a healing moment for me. It thought me forgiveness in a way I did think I needed. There is so much truth in forgiveness being for you and not the other person. I was released from the grip of anger.

If there’s anyone you need to forgive, whether they said you an open invitation or not, forgive them. Listen to the voice inside that sounds crazy because it goes against every logical thing you believe in. I listened to God and went somewhere I DID NOT want to go and it ended up being a beautiful moment for me.

I hope you liked this post and as always Hugs and Love!

Never give up

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Can I be honest with you? There are days where I feel completely out of it. I mean low down in the dumps. Sometimes, I think about all the things I thought I’d have accomplished by now. I was suppose to be a successful writer, my social media presence was suppose to have sky rocketed, I’d have become a full time entrepreneur, bought a house— blah, blah, blah.

I had dreams—a vision for my life that I’m not seeing now. I can’t lie, I’ve whined and cried about it. Honestly, I sometimes get so heart broken about where I’m at now, that I forgot where I’ve been. It can be hard to look around and fully grasp the extent of actual success because we think success is a brand new car wrapped up in a giant bow.

Not all success can be measured by some huge act, event, or object. A year ago, I had just started a new job almost two months after I left a toxic relationship. I had about $40 to my name around this time last year, which I used to catch the bus with my then two and three year old daughters. I didn’t even know how to drive and I was living at my cousin’s house. Now, I’ve been at my job a year, I got my license, got a car, I have my own place, and I’m working on my second fictional book.

I can’t deny that even though I had an idea of what my life was suppose to be, what I’ve overcome is extremely impressive. Slowly, I’m realizing that my life is coming together but God had to get the important things done first. I just kept pushing, I kept going despite all my hurdles. I know that if I continue to push for more, I’ll get more. I simply can’t give up. In the mist of the storm it’s hard to see let alone imagine the sunshine but it will come again.

I hope that whatever it is you may be facing, you keep going strong. And like always, ((HUGGS & LOVE))

 

I’m obsessed with watching my kids eat

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Growing up, my family struggled a lot. We were poor—not just poor but very poor. I remember one time, the only thing in our stomachs, for five days, was water from the facet. I lost about ten pounds during that time. Food stamps ending our five days of tears, stomach growls, and despair. I think that had to be the hardest time in my mother’s life.

We struggled, yes, but it was never that bad before and thankfully never got that bad again. We were always grarunteed two meals at school so even if we had little at home, we still ate. Unfortunately, those five days were during Christmas break and there was no chance of us getting fed any other way. It was difficult time to say the least.

Now that I’m a mother, the fear of not being able to feed my kids sometimes cripples me. I pinch every penny, I look for the best deals, and I never spend more than I have to. I don’t want to feel the devastation my mother did. I sometimes think her life echoes in mine as I come to the realization that at my age, she too was a single mom of three. Could history repeat itself and cause me to be so down on my luck that I wouldn’t be able to provide such a basic need?

As of now, that hasn’t happened and I find myself cooking and preparing meals with immense glee knowing that my kids won’t go hungry. When I set their plates before them, I see their faces light up and they usually shriek with excitement. “Yummy mommy!”, “I like this food.”, is what I hear from time to time in between bites. It’s like music to my ears and I can’t help but smile.

There are moments after we say grace and they begin eating, that I tune out the world and just stare at them. Their giggles filling the dining room. Conversations about how their day was and what they want to do during the weekend bounce off the walls and invade my observation. “We can do that on Saturday”, would be my reply to their inquiries. I soak up every bit of those times.

There is no better feeling than knowing despite my hardships, my children won’t go without. They know nothing of my struggle and dinner time is a celebration and not a reminder of how bad we really have it. Happiness stretched across their faces is a complete contrast to the days I would cry to my mother telling her I was hungry and she’d tell me, “I know baby”, and hand me a cup of water with a little sugar in it.

I know  what I went through was something that humbled me but that’s not the way I want my kids to grow up. That’s not how I want my kids to become appreciative people.  We all go through some lessons that taught us something and hope to God that our kids don’t have to go through it too. I don’t want the pain of watching my kids starve and I’ve been blessed enough not to have to. So, when I see my children stuffing their messy little faces, sometimes getting food all over the table, I’m thankful knowing that their bowls will be empty for the right reasons.

As always ((Huggs & Love))

 

It’s been a while

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Hello, to you! It’s been such a long time since I’ve written a blog post. Between having a job, raising kids, and dealing with a more-often-than-not difficult ex, I’ve been BUSY! It’s hard coming back to a place I feel so at peace at knowing I was neglecting it.

A lot has happened in the last few months and I’m finally ready to share. I’ll probably break everything down subject or rather struggle by struggle. Things have not been easy but God has blessed me a great deal.

Now, what about you? How have you been?