When words are not enough

Encouraging, Faith, Mental health, Motherhood

I don’t always know what to say

At times I can’t put into words how I feel. There’s no amount of explaining I could do to express myself fully. I’m a mom, so you can imagine I use words daily…every waking second it seems. Yet, there are moments where I find myself speechless. 

Maybe it’s the rollercoaster of life or the intensity of motherhood—maybe none of the above and it’s simply my overthinking that throws me through loops time and time again. It’s not easy to admit that I tend to panic during difficult moments. I worry and create scenarios in my head that I fear might happen. Thoughts about life, family, friendships, and parenting are always wrapped up in a chaotic imaginary bow.

My mind has a lot on it but I can’t speak a word

Sometimes I have no words because I’m trying to figure out how to stop the scenarios in my brain from happening. I know as God peeks at my thoughts he probably thinks to himself, “I didn’t give her creativity for this.” I’ve honestly asked him what did he expect when he gave me such a wonderful imagination? I doubt it was to create make-believe tragedies but here I am.  

Image by Steven Arenas

There have been moments where even with a million things going on in my mind, I have nothing to say. God has found me on quite a few occasions fumbling over what to utter. When that happens, I think about Romans 8:26, KJV: “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”


Even when all I can do is ugly cry, I’m still heard. It brings me such comfort to know that God had thought about us in such detail that he knew there’d be points in our lives when words are not enough. He knew that we’d be faced with situations that would knock the wind out of us and bring us to our knees with barely the ability to breathe. He was prepared. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we are at a loss for words. How humbling!

When you have no words, God can still hear you. He knows your heart. Don’t get caught up worrying about not being able to pray, go before God anyway.  Even if you have the words but you can’t fully express them, God knows your heart. Psalm 44:21 Would not God find this out? For He knows the secrets of the heart.

Whether it’s under a moment of pressure or an ongoing struggle, I pray you find peace in knowing that God is fully aware of your needs even when you don’t say a thing. As always, hugs and love!

 

 

Listening ears on: God told me to visit my ex in-laws.

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Being human is hard. Add being a Christian and you have a whole list of rules and regulations you must follow in order to truly be a follower of Christ. Usually, especially now, doing the right thing and being sweet and kind has come easily. Even things that would trigger me, just goes over my head and I say a prayer in my mind, grin, and keep it moving. Last week however, I was thrown a curve ball that I really just wanted to dodge.

My ex told me that his parents were going to be cooking a big meal and asked if the kids and I would come over. Without hesitation, I said NO. I mean, why would I? Besides the fact that I’d have to drive over 45 minutes, I’d have to come in close contact with the family of the man I abruptly left in the middle of the night, with a week’s worth of clothing, and my kids. It wasn’t exactly a peaceful breakup and I found myself on the hated end of the stick. His father had a lot to say about me in the past and would quickly jump on social media in defense of his son, whenever I was the topic of a falsified rant.

I insisted that I had no business going there and I prayed to God that some crazy occurrence would happen so it would be set in stone that I couldn’t go. Be careful what you pray for because four days later a tropical storm came through AND a tornado happened 9 minutes away from us. We were obviously spared and I thought that was God’s answer to my prayers– no honestly! You want to know something? It wasn’t.

My ex told me he would be getting out of work early so he could take us if I didn’t feel like driving. I told him that was great because that meant he could take the kids and leave me out of the equation. He seemed hurt and told me not to be that way. They weren’t my family and I remember how dysfunctional it was when all of us lived together. I did not want to go so I purposely ignored all my ex’s text after that.

You know, God works in very BLUNT ways and as I headed to the bathroom I heard, “Go” in a vey soft voice. Now, don’t call the luny bin on me but I heard it clearly. I remember saying, “yeah right, God. You would never want me to go there.” I then saw a vision of me walking into their home and a voice said, “Go, so they can see all I’ve done for you. Go to be a light. ” Guys, I laughed so hard and said NO! Then I tried to convince myself that I was the one creating the instructions that I had but when I said the word “Go” in my mind it sounded different from what I first heard. This was not something I wanted to be obedient to. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable and I didn’t want to break bread with my ex’s family.

When my ex arrived, I grabbed my purse and roughly told him to hurry up and let’s go. He was shocked but he got up from the chair quickly and we headed to me car. Once we were all buckled and ready to go, my ex thanked me for going. I heard a voice say, “I told you.” I rolled my eyes and replied ok God, of course in my head because I didn’t want to sound crazy. 😂

The drive down was actually enjoyable and I didn’t find myself ready to jump out the car or complain to the heavens. But when we got to his parents house I found myself feeling uncomfortable and nervous. My girls rushed inside and I bought myself time by getting my son out of his carseat. Surprisingly, I was greeted genuinely and asked if I wanted some food and my ex made me a plate. I can’t even lie, for a second I thought they were trying to poison me so I asked my kids if they wanted some food and when no one screamed out “No”, I knew that the food wasn’t unsafe to eat.

I stayed for maybe an hour and a half and I watched as my kids enthusiastically ran around and played with the side of their family they hadn’t seen for so long. I felt relieved. My kids were so happy and I felt good. I talked with everyone and at no point did I want to run for the door. When I left I almost felt sad. His dad thanked me for coming and said we could do something for Christmas if I had no plans.

Before last Sunday, I had so much anger towards my ex father in-law. I was upset because he knew what I went through with his son and he completely turned against me when I left. I was mad and hurt and really wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Visiting him was a healing moment for me. It thought me forgiveness in a way I did think I needed. There is so much truth in forgiveness being for you and not the other person. I was released from the grip of anger.

If there’s anyone you need to forgive, whether they said you an open invitation or not, forgive them. Listen to the voice inside that sounds crazy because it goes against every logical thing you believe in. I listened to God and went somewhere I DID NOT want to go and it ended up being a beautiful moment for me.

I hope you liked this post and as always Hugs and Love!

What if Love was truly contagious

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Right before the year ended, my boyfriend’s father, stepmom, and little came to stay with us. It was a full house, to say the least. For the most part, we were cooped up in the house because there was no going anywhere with 4 adults( 1 being very pregnant), 2 toddlers, and a nine-year-old in a regular ole’ SUV. The weather was a hot mess. If you know anything about Florida you know the weather, especially during wintertime, is bipolar. Now, we did get to go out at one point thanks to a rental. That’s how I got sick. I was the first to go down. Everyone else followed, leaving only my two-year-old miraculously healthy. In my misery, I couldn’t help but think how awful it was that a cold could be passed on so easily. Then I thought, wouldn’t it be so wonderful if love was passed on like that?

Some people say love, happiness, and joy are contagious but to me, it really only is if you have the heart for it. Unlike the cold, which doesn’t discriminate, love can’t break down some people’s immune systems. Imagine if a warm and loving person touched a doorknob and then some mean, maybe even evil, person touched it right after. He or she doesn’t wash their hands and randomly rubs a finger across their lips. WHAM! Love enters just like that. Or maybe someone bursting with a loving heart coughs and everyone who happens to be nearby is immediately infected. Wouldn’t that be cool? Instead of all these stinking illnesses being spread, love could get passed on in this way.

I’m a person who is big on love. It’s the best feeling in the world and I value it so much. I’ve always been like that but when I was younger I simultaneously was a very angry person. Ontop of being anger I was also extremely protective and easily bothered. I wasn’t afraid to get into physical fights or confront people. A lot of the problems I got into were mostly me defending family or a friend and the rest was me overreacting about a look someone gave me or me thinking someone said something rude about me.

I remeber being so bothered by people with bad attitudes. It would literally ruin my entire day if I came across someone with a bad attitude. I would be pissed leaving their presence. It was like they infected me with their hate and misery. I always felt like anger was something easier to “catch” than happiness. Sure good deeds go a long way but a batch of anger people go the distance.

I had to learn to ignore and realize that whatever made people so upset, had nothing to do with me. That’s when I decided that I should spread happiness to the best of my ability. If it worked it worked. If it didn’t, at least I tried.

Nothing was a better eye opener than a day I went to Mcdonalds to get some food.  The line was long and the amount of people waiting for their food was alarming to a very hungry me. I got in line  anyway. Only four workers were there that day. One cashier, two cooks, and one person getting the orders together. The other customers huffed and puffed. Even though they knew the line was long and the workers were short staffed they refused leave and continued groaning. For a split second I almost found myself complaining too. I almost let everyone else’s negativity affect my mood.

When it was my turn to order, the look on the cashier’s face said it all. She had no smile, looked tired and worn out. I looked at her with a big grin and asked her how she was doing. She was shooked but she smiled back and said she was doing good. She asked me how I was. With a bubbly voice I told her I was doing fine as well. Matching my tone, she asked what I would like. After I ordered I told her thank you very much and I hope she has a nice day. Now, her smile stayed when she attended the customer after me and I was extremely happy to see that customer be friendly and respectful to her also. And there it was, I had spread happiness just like that. I chose to look positively at a situation and realize how much I could affect those around me.

Unfortunately, you can’t catch love the way you catch a cold but you can spread it around in hopes that others will respond well to it. And whenever you find yourself in a situation where you’re surrounded by the grinches, stand firm in your happy thoughts and share a little bit of it.

Like always guys ((HUGGS AND LOVE))

I need to write more!

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Lately, my brain has been working really hard at not working at all. My desire to do things become squashed by my overactive imagination. I like to write…No, I LOVE to write. That’s why it’s  funny and even strange that I haven’t been writing as much as I use too. I’ve slacked off quite a bit. Okay, a lot.

I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I don’t lack ideas, I simply lack will. In January, I wrote my first full book. I’ve been writing books for years but never finished them. I finish them in my head and then don’t want to bother myself with writing it on paper. It feels like I’ve watched a movie then have to watch it again but this time take notes. Anyway, I wrote the book in a week’s time. Whenever my girls napped, I wrote. Sometimes I’d stay up until three in the morning writing. That’s why now I don’t know what’s different. I can’t even write for an hour.

I haven’t even been blogging! My blog is dear to me and it has  given me so much joy but I do find it has taken a backseat to my uninteresting life. I have more time now to write and yet it seems like I have none at all. I begin to write then abandon the entire thing. Once again, not for lack of ideas but lack of will and desire.

I need to get back into the groove of things. Rebuild my romance with writing. I need to express myself and open myself up to feelings outside of my everyday routine of emotions. I guess it’s a reflection of my personal life. I am stressed  and it is depressing. Not like “I need meds depressing” but more of a “cut my a break, life is touch!” I can’t continue like this. I can’t just not write because my life’s a mess. Heck, that’s the best time to write.

I miss it all very much. It’s like a friend you haven’t seen in years but when you meet up, nothing’s changed. As I write, I feel so empowered. It’s amazing what a little self expression can do. Giving up something you love doing is a BIG mistake! You can go a little bonkers. I think that’s why I was in a slump. I didn’t write for a while so I didn’t want to start writing again because I was feeling down but maybe I was feeling down because I wasn’t writing. Make sense?

I needed to get that off my chest. As I write this my daughters are sleeping on my chest. Lol. Just like old times. It feels completely natural to be up late, pouring my heart out as my daughters sleep. It’s 12 am now so I think I’ll join them.

Thanks for reading ((Hugs and Love))

My creativity is dying to come out again!

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Painting I made last month

One thing I had before becoming a mother was my creativity. I would sketch, doodle, sew, all the time. I remember drawing all over my copybooks in class without even realizing it. Art was my first love. I was always able to express myself through it. I never really got over that love and now that I have babies it’s been calling me up more!

It’s not like I completely left my creativity behind but it has taken a backseat to my kids. I yearn for it but most of the time having to take care of a newly 2year-old and 1year-old has taken center stage. I’ve missed sewing, painting, drawing, and writing so much. I get to squeeze in some writing every so often but the deep concentration I need for it only comes at nap time. I have painted within the last month but it’s still not enough. I haven’t sewn anything since my little sister’s prom dress…LAST YEAR!

It’s tough when your head is full of ideas but you just don’t have the will nor enthusiasm to create like you use to. My girls have this thing were they’ll play with no regard for me UNTIL I began to write, or paint. I’m sure there’s a radar somewhere in their body that alerts them. Lol! I feel bad if I don’t show them the attention. I don’t want to to feel like “oh, mommies busy. She’ll just ignore us.” No way! I love when they well…she me love. Sometimes they act like I’m bothering them so when they want to play with me I’m all for it. I have teenagers in babies’ bodies. Haha!

Another Painting I made last month

I see my girls face light up when I bring out the paint and brushes. I haven’t let them paint anything recently; however, my oldest took it upon her to hijack my baby blue paint and open it so she and her little sister could hand paint the coffee table. Fun times. In the, literally, 15 seconds from her taking the paint to me turning around 1/3 of the table was blue! I sense a bit of creativity in them too. Oh, all kids that get their hands on paint smear it around and make a mess? I don’t think so buddy my kids were creating art! Lol…I kid…I kid. Seriously though, I do want to find a way to help them explore their creativity while I explore mine.

I made this last Thursday for my friends mom.

I’m not trying to say being a mommy stopped me from being creative. I stopped myself. Not because I had to but because I wanted to. I love to create things but what I’ve been more interested in creating is memories with my kids. Yes! I know, I’m corny as heck. That’s all honesty though. I am getting back in the groove of things. Slowly, my creativity is being released. Hopefully I can do a whole lot more in the coming months.

Still working on this painting

((Hugs and Love))