Having a baby changed how I look at my body.
Most women complain about how thin they were before kids. Their bodies were right and tight, and they had no problem showing it off. All their confidence was attached to the skinny them. Then there’s me. I’ve been skinny all my life–not bag of bones skinny– a healthy thin. I was never a fan of it. My mom had a big butt and my other family members had huge boobs and hips. My body obviously didn’t get that memo.
I longed to be curvy, even more so once I became an adult. I had no use for a girl-ish frame, I wanted to look like a woman. I couldn’t, for the life of me, gain weight. I had small breast and my butt had changed into something I hated by the time I was seventeen. I was so insecure about my body. People told me all the time “You’re so skinny.” and I cringed. Why in a family of big boobs and booties was I the one flat chested and lacking anything remotely close to hips?
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t wake up everyday loathing my body. Some days I looked in the mirror and felt like the boom.com. It was the times where I wore jeans that were too snug or a shirt that not even a push-up bra could save. Those were the days I hated; when the outfit looked great in my head but not on my me. It ruined my whole mood and I’d want to stay home. My body was working against me, it seemed.
It didn’t help that after high school girls, that were so much thinner than I was, had all of a sudden developed the body that I wanted. Poor me–or so I thought–still looked the same. I spent the last years of my legal-teens days dressing like a “working girl” and I’m embarrassed to say I did it for the attention. My shorts were too short and my shirts were just a mess. I wanted guys to notice me but I didn’t want them. I just wanted their eyes to follow my trail, even though I would be pissed if I got a catcall or a “Hey baby. Come over here.” I was confusing myself and putting out a certain image, all because I felt bad about the way I looked. It didn’t solve anything; really all it did was create more problems.
By the time I was in college, I was looking for butt enhancement pills and ways to plump my butt up naturally with herbs and exercise. All were flops. I was not accepting myself at all. I liked my body but I didn’t love it. In underwear though, was the only time I really thought “Damn you look good.” I would buy only lace see-through undies and anything sexy. It wasn’t for guys. It was for me. I had total confidence when I wore underwear. That’s when I could kind of see little hips and my bras made my breast look bigger than they were. My body was my favorite thing to look at then.
Now, this followed me until I got pregnant. I spent almost an entire decade hating my body. I thought “Finally I’m going to gain weight. All women gain weight while pregnant.” I didn’t care about stretch marks, I already had some on my butt and knees. I wasn’t worried about shedding baby weight; I wanted to keep it! I had no idea that my 5’9 frame and fast metabolism would still haunt me during pregnancy. I gained about 20lbs start to finish. Went from 138lbs to 156lbs on average. My butt got even smaller. I had gained absolutely nothing on my arms or leggs, in fact my pants were falling off! I hated it. My one chance to pack on the pounds and I felt like I was losing them.
All that changed when my 6lbs baby girl was born. She was perfect! My skinny ole’ body made a miracle! I had a mushy belly that she lived in for nine months and my tiny boobs were feeding her. I was sore, cramping, and bleeding but all I could think was “I made this. I did this!” I saw my body in all it’s postpartum glory as something so beautiful and amazing. If I didn’t have my daughter, my self image probably would’ve been the same. I would’ve seen flaws everywhere. My body is beautiful and if it was good enough to carry life, it was good enough point blank. I have an even flatter butt than I started with and my breast are two different sizes, thanks to breastfeeding. Do I care…NO! I’m grateful for becoming a mother because having a baby changed how I look at my body.
I’m a mother of three. I’ve been writing for six years both for myself and for different companies. I write content about many different topics but mostly about motherhood, faith, and life.